Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
