are you so shy because you have an std?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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