I must be too annoying 4 u.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
