You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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