i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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