you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
