my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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