i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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