So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
