I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
