I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
