Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
