I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
