hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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