Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
