i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's official drugs can't kill me
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
