I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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