You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
