just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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