i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
