remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize