we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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