fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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