By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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