I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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