we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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