She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
