He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
