I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
