I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
