does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
