What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
