at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize