Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
