so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
