I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
