I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
