so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
