so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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