Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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