Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am midnight drunk by noon
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
