I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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