I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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