I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I am full of burrito and curiosity
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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