I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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