ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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