do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
