yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
