Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
