Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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