Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
