I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
