You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
