I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
