we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
