Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hippo gnu deer
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
