i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
