omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
