ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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