someone threw a dead crab at me
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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