He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
false alarm, still single
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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