were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
